archive: The Prime Minister's Song

Commissioned and first performed by Ecopella in 2010. To be sung to the tune of "The Major General's Song" by Gilbert and Sullivan.

The Prime Minister's Song

I am the very model of a modern Pri-ime Minister
I've information on China, the US, and Antarctica,
I know the US president, and quote the words of barristers.
From u-utegate to shakes of sauce, I’ll parrot to the media.
I’m very well acquainted, mate, with matters I administer
I’m baby faced and mostly chaste and somehow vaguely sinister.

About Japanese whaling I am teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about how we’ll make them pay their dues.
I'm very good at promising to go to court and force a change;
I know the legal arguments that blow their science out of range:

In short, in matters on China, the US and Antarctica,
I am the very model of a modern Pri-ime Minister.

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and things christian;
I wear a hard hat with a grin, I've a pretty taste for Mandarin.
My choice of words is quite absurd, my sentence structure can concuss:
that might be why the Libs would rather bicker wildly than discuss.
For who can tell sub-terms of reference from conceptual synthesis
I’ll chorus on the natural complementality of the habits of multilaterally appropriate processes.

(pause, pulls comical faces)
Um...

I’ll fulfil some election promises, but only just symbolically;
apologise for wrong things done, and then I’ll keep the policy.
When the money’s looking tight, I’ll get the mob to spend some more.
When climate change is here to stay I’ll whistle HMAS Pinafore.

In short, in matters on China, the US and Antarctica,
I am the very model of a modern Pri-ime Minister.

On things environmental I am far from sentimental
I’ve got a goal for dirty coal: my corporate tax breaks will be mental.
I’ll sign Kyoto Protocol when everyone has let it go
I won’t admit my ETS is poorly made and just for show.

I’ve a tendency for tantrums, but am passive in diplomacy
when refuge-es try to land, I’ve got war ships to put to sea.
But then, when whalers stalk our shores, I’m overcome by lethargy;
I’ll let Sea Shepherd fight our wars (they might have better strategy).
For, my politic knowledge, though I'm smu-ug and front-benchery,
has only been brought down to the beginning of last century;

But still, in matters on China, the US and Antarctica,
I am the very model of a modern Pri-ime Minister.

© Laura Smith 2010